No fems. No queens. Straight-acting.
Masc only. If I wanted a woman, I'd be with a woman. Anyone who has
spent 45 seconds on a gay dating site or app has seen disclaimers
like these. I imagine that most guys barely even notice them at this
point, they're so common.
Being happily coupled for over three
years now, it's been quite some time since I've visited any of those
sites, but I'm sure those phrases are as common as they ever were.
In fact, thanks to sites like Douchebags
of Grindr, I know they are. I find the whole thing a mite
puzzling, honestly, but in a very un-puzzled way. I get it, after
all. I used to think the same way, for a brief time, not because it
was how I actually felt, but because I believed it was how I was
supposed to think. That sort of thinking is pretty rife among the
pre-out and babygay populations. Sadly, it's also a strong presence
among people who have been out long enough to know better.
As long as I can remember, I've trod
the line between what society calls “masculine” and “feminine.”
In my youth, I tried to compensate for my feminine side by being
aggressive, hard-nosed, and, yes, douchey. I was a drama nerd, hated
sports, played in the school band, and had some frighteningly
expressive hands. I can't say I ever tried to hide those parts of
me, because I certainly didn't. Instead, I tried to distract from
them, exaggerating my more testosterone-fueled attributes in hopes I
would be considered more socially acceptable.
For some, that simply isn't enough
effort.
Some guys want hard bodies, trendy
facial hair, wrists that are encased in invisible splints, and
flannel. They want you to look and act like a lumberjack or an auto
mechanic or a cowboy or whatever masculine drag they personally
favor. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with that. It isn't a
sin to have a type; most people do, to some degree.
The problem arises when your type goes
from being a mere preference to being an ideal. When you begin to
assume that your type is the gold standard, and you use that attitude
to belittle and wound others, that's when you've gone off the rails.
The LGBT+ community is incredibly diverse, encompassing countless
varieties of people under the rainbow umbrella. I would even go so
far as to argue that it's the femme fellas and butch gals who are
holding it up for us. Our history has shown that, without them, we
would not be nearly as far along as we are today. The gender rebels were
and are the pioneers, driving the movement into the future.
Take Stonewall, just for one example,
albeit one of the most important ones in our history as a people.
Who were the first to stand up against the police that night? Transmen and transwomen, drag
queens and butch lesbians, the very people who were most at risk and
had the most to lose. Dykes and sissies, they were the heroes and
heroines of the riots. Imagine living in a world where simply living
your life in the way that was most comfortable for you was grounds
for arrest, often accompanied by violence, which is sadly still a
fact of life in many parts of the world. Imagine the intestinal
fortitude required to live your reality anyway, in the face of all of
society's recriminations. Ask the typical “straight-acting” guy
on Grindr if he'd have had the balls to put on a wig and heels and
can-can in front of advancing riot police. He probably couldn't even
walk in heels, much less dance in them, much less fight in them.
It takes a lot of effort. but very
little courage or vision, to be “straight-acting” in this world,
to live up to society's expectations of what makes a man or a woman.
Speaking from my own experience, it's an exhausting pursuit,
constantly policing one's behavior. And to what end? To be liked by
people who value such things? People who perhaps wouldn't like you
if you elected to be yourself? What good are they anyway?
As always, I reiterate, like what you
like. Pursue those who appeal to you, for whatever reason. Just
don't be a douche about it. No one likes a douche except other
douches.
As for me, I'm going to continue loving
and celebrating the gender rebels. They're among the bravest and
strongest people I've known, without question. Given the choice of
someone who is who they are versus someone who is “acting” like
someone else, I will opt for the former, every time. Most do, hookup
sites notwithstanding.
Bless the femme men, the butch ladies,
the genderfuckers, the androgynes, the drag queens and kings, and
especially the entire transgender community. Bless all the misfits
of the world, for you are my people. If not for our non-conformist
forebears, there's no telling how far behind we'd be today.
